Crash, Bang, Scrape

Life teaches us that some people should give up trying to drive and stick to taxis and trains, its much safer and for the rest of us much less frustrating.

Word reaches Jonny that a DSDC member is in this category.

By all accounts, so my spies report, on yesterdays dive trip Burn took the zig zag route to the wreck of the Taha causing serious consternation with Strapon, the driver of Diver4, and Luggie in Sanaf who were following behind.

Furthermore during the return trip the same driver managed to give a moored Dhow in the harbour a decent rattle when they manoeuvred Burn under the Bowsprit and contact occurred.

Why? What's going on? This same driver has already removed the skeg and propeller from one of the boats in a rock and boulder incident some months ago.

Well Jonny's suggestion that Maid Marion should either give up boat driving or give up the ciggys. Such is the concentration when lighting the dam things that these incidents are happening too often. Priorities are not in the correct order and importantly its irritating Strapon.

And we don't want that do we.

Moaners and Groaners

With 142 and rising moaner and groaners at the beloved place Jonny has decided that he can no longer please everyone - some may say anyone!. That combined with the increasing familiarity of Madame DO who asked him to write a missive for her weekly rag, which he declined, means that if you want to know what Jonny is saying, you will have to follow him from now on.

No more Jonny emails circulated to the club members and a new style of banging it out when it suits rather than a regular weekly effort.

Right - that means we can really get going!!!

First on the list is the holiday makers recently returned from the Philippines and spied by one of our spies appearing in tecAsia's news letter. We are most grateful for the assistance.




Very nice I hear you say, and according to all it was. But the real question is the timing. The Fella wearing the DSDC shirt left Dubai three days before the other 2 and turned up at the dive centre 24 hours after them. Where did he go I hear you ask - I'm having a good guess myself!

yours ever,

Jonny

DSDC centre of attention in regard to phone hacking

Ever alert Jonny has spotted that a DSDC member has been outed in the current phone hacking  scandal gripping the UK.

A large article has revealed incriminating evidence that  a DSDC member has been up to no good, the evidence clearly identifies the presence of a DSDC member.

Read it yourself if you don't believe me.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/media/2011/jun/08/phone-hacking-scandal-jonathan-rees

"Other police contacts are said to have been blackmailed into providing confidential information. One of Rees's former associates claims that Rees had compromising photographs of serving officers, including one who was caught in a drunken state with a couple of prostitutes and with a toilet seat around his neck."


You heard it here first - but Jonny has to admit he didn't know that DSDC had any bobbies in the membership!


Who could it be?!


yours Jonny

Vhat, no butties

The ire of the SkankManc, Strapon and HonestBob have awoken Jonny from his slumber for a true DSDC question.

Vhat is going on - no butties on yesterdays dhow trip.

Is it a German plan to take over DSDC and BSAC. First inkling that something was up was an email circular discussing Ham and Eggs - and Baldy commenting that he for one was not up for some bleeding continental version of the beloved breakfast.

Strapon, the mentor for the German DM yesterday, claimed his email was not working and had no inkling that the trip was headed for an early morning disaster.

No, No, No - this is a BSAC club - Bacon Butties have been the staple diving fodder for the BSAC diver since....... well along time anyhow.

This has to go to the top - Grumpy / Committee - sort it out - we cant have these rumblings at DSDC, especially of the belly type when senior members don't get their breakfast.

yours 

Jonny

Self Generating Jonny!

A self generating Jonny – what a thought, however such has been my amusement and laughter at the fun of the last few weeks with all the characters generating their own stories I have completely forgotten to do my blog.

So here we are, for your amusement and interspersed with some minor DSDC observations over the last weeks.

I start with member 47k;

Dear Jonny

I would be most grateful if you would pass on this missive to your technical guru Mr Ali Backplate.

Dear Mr Backplate,

I must take issue with your recent condemnation of the choice of bathing apparel  favoured of late by DSDC luminaries Honest Bob and Mark Lounge Lizard and respectfully request that you stick to matters technical, not sartorial.

I myself own several items from the Emporer's New Clothes range and can attest to their comfort and snugness of fit ( though I'll confess that they provide little by the way of either warmth or UV protection hence I tend to wear mine in the comfort of my own home).

Far from castigating this latest fashion trend I feel it should be actively encouraged, particularly amongst some of the female membership at DSDC, whose natural charms and attributes would be enhanced appreciably by the ENC range. I can certainly think of a couple.

So come on Mr Backplate, lets stamp out this fashion Nazi-ism. You have frequently critisized my own sensibly-lengthed Adidas swimming shorts - they are NOT Speedos- and now you have attacked the Honest Bob's ENC range. I feel you will only be happy when we are all clad in voluminous floral patterned multi coloured board shorts as favoured by pina colada sipping poolside chavs or sinuey bearded youths who call each other "Dude". Oh and Lockiedoodah.

yours sartorially

Member 47K

And he did not stop there when he replied to my last Blog;

Tsk tsk Jonny no nead to split hares, my speling is not two bad, howe often do you spel sinewy?

I thyink mi point waz wel made and look forward two Mr backplates grovelling apologie.

Membre 47K

And there was more – only a day after the above.

In deeply contemplative mood, over a third (or possibly fourth) pint of Kilkenny (this one purchased incidentally by new Grandad for the third time Mike MacMillan - "I thought I'd wait for everyone to leave before I rang the bell".... typical Scotsman) I considered the vaguely familiar feeling that I experience waiting for Jonny's weekly blog to drop through my virtual letterbox and onto my virtual doormat and all of a sudden it came to me ; I was transported back in time as if under hypnosis, I was 6 years old, it was Saturday morning and there I was by the front door waiting for the paperboy...... to deliver my weekly Beano.

Dad's Daily Express, then of course a sensible broadsheet, not the flimsy ad-filled rag it is today, would barge its way through the letterbox and hit the floor with a satisfying thud, and wrapped inside would be my Beano.

Like Jonny's blog, I'd read it sparingly, trying to eek it out over the course of the week, and of course I'd re-read over and over. Like Jonny's blog it was full of colourful comic characters who got up to all kinds of mischief in Fulchester, people dodging their way out of doing chores, others doing dodgy deals to raise money for sweets or large cars, hapless teachers (instructors) loosing control of their classes, people loosing their shoes and falling off scooters, some running around and making lots of noise, others just guzzling pop and crisps. Think of the characters, Minnie (the Minx), Roger the Dodger, Dennis the Menace, Billy Whizz, Lord Snooty, Little Plum, and of course the Bash Street kids.

No wonder Jonny's tales of life at the sacred place strike a chord.

Member 47K

Well 47k I hope this hits your door mat with a satisfying THUD.

Ali Backplate has been at it as well;

A weekly opportunity for you to ask the DSDC Dive Guru for advice – he’ll never dodge a question and his profanisaurus of diving knowledge knows no bounds….

ID Issue

Dear Ali,

I am writing to you to get to the bottom of various reports of strange serpents of the sea I have picked up whilst visiting the bar at DSDC.

I am hearing more and more about sightings of really big fish, I have heard them referred to at Pelastic fish. I am doing as much research as I can but can't find any reference to these strange sightings, indeed the phrase 'if you haven't got a picture then it didn't happen'

may be more true than I was first lead to believe. I hear that members have recently sighted 'GTs' (Gin & Tonic fish?), 'Devilled Rays' are hot at the moment, impressive sightings of 'Barra-qudos', 'Blue Line Slappers', 'Dexy's Rainbow Runners', 'Whale Tuna' and last weekend a 'Basket Shark', 'Gamma Ray' and 'Modular Manta' were seen playing with a 'Popeye Shark' not far away from member 47Ks lesser spotted ENC 'Adonis' Trunkfish' . I personally Iove a bit of muck diving so I was delighted to hear about a new nudibranch sighting, the lesser known 'crestus colgatium' and overwhelmed when above the water I personally witnessed 'Great Tits' on the dhow on their long journey north, I stood and watched them for many happy hours. Please can you help me better understand what on earth these diver types are wittering on about? PS, is it OK to stroke Sea Urchins, they look so cute and cuddly?

Fish Botherer

Dear FB

Thank heavens for your DSDC Training Officer. Ali recommends that you immediately pester Chris 'Hammer & Chisel' Head for his wreck appreciation and Fish ID course. He's had a plethora of experience of all things fishy, indeed rumours are that he is directly descended from the mighty dugong of the oceans, recent stool samples seem to prove a close linkage and like the dugong he craps at will whenever in the water. He can identify fish at over 50m despite the rust mist and by beating out his unique deafening metallic fish attraction grooves he will have all manner of ocean dwellers coming in for a closer inspection. Ali knows well that by staying down-water of the TO you are sure to encounter many more weird and wonderful creatures. The Backplate himself once had a close run-in with the largest Brown Ringed Sea Snake ever seen in these waters, rumours are that a mere brush along this highly dangerous reptile would cause vomiting and fitting, potentially paralysis and death.... good job Ali could scooter through it and disperse snake nuggets to the wilds of the Persian Gulf. Finally Sea Urchins are much misunderstood and maligned creatures, they are soft and fluffy, make excellent pets and are great company for kids.

Safe Diving

Ali Backplate

And then LockiedoDah joined in;

Legal intercept…..

To: 'letters@7days.ae'
Subject: Lost at Sea

I would be very grateful if readers could keep their eyes open for some lost diving equipment. I can’t find approx 70m of rope, 6m of chain, an anchor, a very large market buoy from my diving boat. They were last seen connected to a very large underwater rock in the Mussundam and could turn up anywhere. I borrowed these off my friend who will not be impressed when he finds out I lost it, not to mention the captain of the boat whose fenders I tied onto the line as well. I can offer a reward of Frog diving equipment to the value of the equipment recovered.

Many Thanks

Honest Bob

Followed by Baldy keeping me up to speed

Ali Backplate Wrote:

My Dear Butters, So lovely to hear from you and I will get the DO on the case. Remarkable that DSDC have a member with just the skills required.

Dive Safe

Ali B

On Mon, May 23, 2011 at 11:19 AM,  MarkB wrote:

Hi Ali 

It is all perfectly simple obviously the rope, anchor and chain are firmly lodged in a rocky crevasse  and need dislodging. There is only one company which can help with this "Micky underwater services" who specialize in crashing into rocks and reefs to dislodge unwary sea life and stuck boating equipment. The technique is quite dangerous and should only be handled by an expert who is capable of driving a DPV upside down at great speed into rocks and reefs. I would suggest contacting "Micky underwater services, reef smashers to the gentry" who would be delighted to help and pick up a reward of fine underwater attire for underwater perusal from Froggy Bobs.

No other solution also no air required it's all done on a single breath.

Pip pip, 

Mark 

Then it started on face book as well;

Did you notice?

So I looked around and; http://www.facebook.com/pages/Learn-diving/116905761728823

And I look at the pictures and thought – now that’s something I would enjoy. I'm told the goggles makes things look bigger underwater.

Other happenings at the beloved place;

Baldy has got the hump this week, as well as tearing into Captain Nickolai hes’ miffed that only 2 people like his new web page www.desertsportsdivingclub.net and all the diving stuff that’s loaded up including the videos . It all started when it was his turn to do compressor duty last week and all the jokers arrived with tanks to fill for their trip to Oman. He claims there was over 50 tanks to fill in one evening and the evening eruption was only avoided by Lockiedodah telling members to take their tanks to scoobie dooby.

Adonis has been busy with his camera and posted photos - http://www.facebook.com/pages/Desert-Sports-Diving-Club-1339/279467540004 - what Jonny wants to know is the correct latin name for the ParseyWhiteBeerBellyManc fish that hes snapped on the trip to the Damaniyats

Grumpy’s been busy as well in the backs of lorries. Looks like the beloved house is going to be re-tiled over the next few weeks to get rid of the minging stinking carpet. Hope you like the colour - as someone else didn't!

And Alissar has appeared in a video. Now what is she doing on the boat trip to the dive site? - http://www.desertsportsdivingclub.net/video/2011-5-21%20zainab.wmv

And I see THAT Video is now up to 185 views today - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c70_EaTu03s

Finally Jonnys going to leave you with a Question – Has MadameDO done the AGM minutes YET?

Ha Ha - missile launched!

Jonny

Ladies Week

Hi there Girls, such is the trouble I hear you have been having during my recent Wedding trip I thought up a special blog for you.

With Madame DO stuck in Somalia with 30 bodyguards and their big guns, LadyJana prickled by an urchin and our Ruthie having to fend off the advances of 70 odd amorous pirates who wanted to pillage I m feeling really sorry for your all. So here is a picture of Adonis for your bedside table, look closely now and sweet dreams.

Adonis poses for the Girls

Now im back from Blighty I have to tell you it all went very well. A bit of a squeeze between Posh and Becks as her tummy is a bit large but hobnobbing with the great and the goood of the sporting world was just Jonny’s thing. Kate and Wills love their pressy of two tanks and tell me that the diving off Anglesy is just spiffing , if not a tad chilly so ones crown jewels shrink some what, ahem, unlike Adonis then!

In my absence I received an email from a well known member;

Dear Jonny

I would be most grateful if you would pass on this missive to your technical guru Mr Ali Backplate.

Dear Mr Backplate,

I must take issue with your recent condemnation of the choice of bathing apparel  favoured of late by DSDC luminaries Honest Bob and Mark Lounge Lizard and respectfully request that you stick to matters technical, not sartorial.

I myself own several items from the Emporer's New Clothes range and can attest to their comfort and snugness of fit ( though I'll confess that they provide little by the way of either warmth or UV protection hence I tend to wear mine in the comfort of my own home).

Far from castigating this latest fashion trend I feel it should be actively encouraged, particularly amongst some of the female membership at DSDC, whose natural charms and attributes would be enhanced appreciably by the ENC range. I can certainly think of a couple.

So come on Mr Backplate, lets stamp out this fashion Nazi-ism. You have frequently critisized my own sensibly-lengthed Adidas swimming shorts - they are NOT Speedos- and now you have attacked the Honest Bob's ENC range. I feel you will only be happy when we are all clad in voluminous floral patterned multi coloured board shorts as favoured by pina colada sipping poolside chavs or sinuey bearded youths who call each other "Dude". Oh and Lockiedoodah.

yours sartorially

Member 47K

My reply, Dear Member 47K, please learn to spell. Yours Jonny.

And on to more mundane things;

Word reaches me of a diving fracas at the beloved place. Ooo-er – tell me more. Those on board the recent Dhow trip on wedding day were shocked to hear Strapon and tubbyChris get rather fruity with Parsley and Alex for arriving late . Said event had Parsley running down the Quayside and Alex arriving on the post boat some time later. Being sort of matey with Parsley Capitain Sayeed brought the boat back to the harbour wall, and Parsley hopped on for another bowl of breakfast fruit from the boyos. Observers then commented that Grumpy and MaidMarion turned up with Alex on the parcel boat and received no such harsh treatment.....mmmm why not then. Now we know that we want people there on time but the fruity words – boys the ladies don’t like it and have gone as far as writing to Jonny – and as this is a ladies edition – watch it please to avoid further mention as after all we are a family affair here you know.

Party to that same trip was a bunch of divers who have been taking advantage of scoobiedoobies special offer and have all bought the same half priced wet suit. Is this to become a DSDC uniform, a red and black affair. What Jonny really wants to know is what is froggydubais response to this team building in red wet suits? Given that honest bob is getting so much free coverage on these pages I am sure a little green sponsorship wont go amiss and be entirely affrogable!

At the beloved house the club continues to be indebited to baldy for being in the right place at the right time on two occasions and publishing “Scooterboy II (the scooter pest)” on u-tube and the big tv screen at the club. This now means that baldys cackle can be heard by all while strapon once again makes an arse of himself underwater for everyones delight at the following link  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Tv4KXxUuHg. Unfortunately for baldy though his cackles have got the better of him - the following week where once again he thought he was in the right place at the right time while LadyJana swam into a rock and then attacked an Urchin – such is baldys embarrassement at laughing until he realised the matter was quite serious hes gone and edited out the sound on his video http://www.desertsportsdivingclub.net/video/2011-5-6%20urchin.wmv. Tut-tut young man, that will teach you.

LadyJana's pin cushion

And now to the ladies story. Our Ruthie promises, for the price of a beer, to regale to us ladies the full story of the visiting pirates last Friday and her dashing rescue by Captain Sayeed, he of the pert botty that us ladies love to look at! Captain Sayeed in full Arabic form saw off about 70 frisky Iranian pirates on the mother of mouse dive with the well chosen words of “shes mine so get lost” and then by all accounts had Ruthie sitting on his knee in a loving way until tubbyChris surfaced and administered gallent and comforting words of “lets get the hell out of here we might be shot at ”. Ive always known that the fabled stories of those shorts have travelled far and wide in this land, now its confirmed, our Ruthie is of international standing in the short shorts stakes and the pirates are gathering – world domination next, perhaps she should go with MadameDO on her next trip to Somalia.

Not wanting to cut all the story telling short I am however pleased to see that Ali Backplate as written again and descended once again to murky depths of bemusement;

Private Trips and Dirty Little Secrets

Dear Ali,

I have heard that there are ‘private’ and secretive B&H (boat &

hotel?) excursions organized by club members. I have been a member of several select clubs before and fancy a bit of ‘private’ diving.

Private events for local people in my village were legendary and I have taken the liberty of importing my own twister mat, several gallons of cooking oil and a spatula to boost the clubs equipment. I am trying to infiltrate this private world, whilst toking with Jonny2Tanks recently and in great anticipation of a bit of ‘private’

tomfoolery  I happened to witness the passing of a ‘private’ group by the dhow this weekend. I shook and quivered in anticipation of finally witnessing this great event and it’s ‘active’ participants, but sadly the whole experience just left me cold, confused and shocked. I saw 3 grey haired old farts and what I can only guess to be their housemaid come alongside the DSDC dhow and be ‘greeted’ by the bare bottoms of what I believe to be the senile elders of the club plus the pipe of Jonny2Tabs. I was in fear of my life as this rag tag bunch of pirate types then proceeded  to trade a selection of their booty in various boxes and bags with various members of our dhow whilst the fat one, the one they call the ‘Fake Sheikh’, remonstrated with our handsome, virile and hugely endowed DO who quickly saw him off by dousing the miscreants with what I believe to be toilet water so they could not board our merry vessel. After treatment for shock I was informed by a smirking Jonny2Tanks that this spat with Iranian tobacco smugglers was infact a meeting of the ‘darkside privateers’, a group I frankly now have no desire to frequent with. I feel much happier with all my DSDC friends but still want to know where I can get a bit of ‘special’

diving in if you know what I mean?

Please help

Nick O’teen-Habit

Dear Nick,

This private thing has never been to Ali’s liking… Backplate is a forward thinking all inclusive kind of guy, frankly your idea of ‘special private trips’ are much more aligned to the Ali school of diving. My good friend Jonny2cigs likes to keep a tab on what’s going on, he toke the opinion that private trips are only for those people no one else wants to dive with and so has taken pity on them. To bring the privateers back inline Jonny2puffs has told Ali  that he is now also starting a special photography interest club, tips (filter tips),  hints (or is that mints) and special other ways to cover-up and retouch your favourite images.  I wouldn’t waste my time pursuing your ‘special interests’ on Monday at the club, everyone knows that Wednesday is the ‘private members’ night….

Dive and play safely

Ali Backplate

Any idea of what he is on about? – Me neither.

Technical diving matters have reached my ears this week with the information, disappointing I must say, that the UAE coastline on the East has been subjected to some dirty tanker captain barstewards washing out his tanker over there and causing a huge slick. People on the beach get covered with black sticky oil and those diving the Innes last week had a good old coating of black crude when they surfaced in a slick at the end of their dive. How horrible and something must be done as it’s a frequent event from these lazy tanker people. As well as getting covered in oil I am also becoming conscious of the increasing number of technical divers at the beloved place who mix their witches brews each week before they go diving on the weekend. Is this a increasing trend I’m wondering or just a little blip from those who have decided to move on from tyre gas because they have had their annual bonus recently and can afford a few more regulators. Whatever the reason I’m conscious that among this lot minor incidents have been occurring and remain un reported. That just not on – BSAC divers know that incidents must be reported in the proper way so everyone gets a learning opportunity.  So here’s a message to you tecky people – Jonny does not think his blog is the proper place for reporting serious stuff, so make sure you do it as per the rules or Jonny will have to name some names.

So on that note Jonny is happy to be back from her travels and the notebook will be out over the next few weeks to record the fun of what we all know as “the beloved place”. As ever contributions are more than welcome and I leave you this week with the usual facebook observations;

From Bumper a comment - Laugh nearly dropped me bacon sarnie, could it be the club intructor again!!!! Get him on a DPV course! Another year and we can get a full length feature film.

From Lockiedodah, a realisation or is it an admission - Bloody facebook links - how daft am I? :-(

- you said it!

And finally from MadameDO - less than 24 hours back from the mini break to Somalia and its time for a mini break to AFG – she just cant resist those big guns can she, BUT has she done the AGM minutes yet?

Yours

Jonny

Wedding Bells

I thought I would bang out my contribution on a Wednesday this week before I jet off the Wedding. With Jonny being one of the worlds sporting heros the much sought after invite is in my hand and I understand I am to be seated between posh and becs for the happy event. I hope you are watching so I can give you a wave. 

I’m also looking forward to wearing my new hat, the hat that was bought in anticipation of a wedding invite from the Admiral before we found out he had jetted off himself and married Liyen without sending us an invite or where it was to be. Why all the rush I wonder….hmmmm.

With being in hiding and preparations for travelling to Blighty for the wedding I have to express my thanks to the numerous contributions this week from members. It seems that now the reports of crystal diving conditions are coming through the sleepy sections of the club are waking up and joining in the DSDC amusement that is Jonny2Tanks.  As they say, keep it coming but also a reminder, you don’t need the stress of trying to work out who Jonny is, part of the fun is just pretending you don’t know!

So what’s about this week at the beloved place?

News reaches me from ‘sources’ that HonestBob of froggydubai fame has to occupy top slot this week for trying out last weeks meat and two veg trick on rather a large proportion of the Dhow trip team. True to frogbob form, as it was after 19:00 he was “under the weather” and can’t remember who got an eyeful before he collapsed back into his bunk. Luckily Jonny knows and more importantly knows who has been lodging complaints about said matter. Its one thing for MadameDO to be exposed the Parsleys svelt manc parts but completely different when its frogbob of froggydubai hanging out his selection of knurled and aged vegetables!

Closely linked to this it has been made known to Jonny that AndyYacaty has been renamed Adonis on the said Dhow trip for his bronzed and trimmed appearance and the large bag of lotions and potions he carries to keep him that way. However its also been made known that Adonis is something of a party pooper and is currently refusing to join in with Azzam’s charity idea of being waxed. Now Jonny is a brave sort of person but that sounds awfully painful and something of the mount everest of waxing where wookie waxing is concerned. I hope that lots of money is raised and that Adonis decides to put his body forward for the said event – watch this space for further news and developments.

At the club house we are pleased to hear that the compressor is completely knackered and grumpy and lockiedodha are off spending 150,000 of our hard earned on a sparkling replacement with electronic controls for the heavy fingered to break in a jiffy. I’m all for this modernisation to get top quality assets into the beloved place, all this sitting on cash is somewhat of a bore especially when inflation is roaring away. I was wondering if there was anything else we could put in the way of the ham fisted so we can come up with an excuse to spend some more, perhaps the gps’s as I rather like those ones with the modern colour screens and built in maps? Anyone going to oblige?

I’m informed of tales of mirth from the West Coast dive trip this last week and the vocal pleadings of one blondey not to be toilet seated on her first evening at the club as a member. The squalking obviously gained some sympathy as the public outing of diving with no fins did not occur. However it does bring me to the though of BrerRabbit, he of the nursery book story who begged the wolf not to throw him in the brambles because of the pain and the humiliation. Am I starting to deduce that certain members actually want to be outed and with increasingly regularity do something daft to get some exposure at the one and only DSDC? Whats to be done with such exobitionisum I am asking?

True to form the wonderfully reliable Ali.Backplate has sent his weekly missive and continues with his campgin of confusion and bemusement;

Ali Backplate’s Fun Forum - A weekly opportunity for you to ask the DSDC Dive Guru for advice, he’ll never dodge a question and his profanisaurus of diving knowledge knows no bounds….

Seems Ali is brushing with folks that don't like to get messed with...

the dark and secretive underbelly behind the shiny facade of DSDC harbours some mean and moody characters that want to silence Ali...

they tried to gag Jonny, now Ali is in hot water too!

Dear Mr Backplate,

I write on behalf of my client, Mark Lounge-Lizard, who is leading a ‘working class action’ against you for defamation, libel, moral turpitude, moral turpentine and allegations of eating cheese on a Wednesday evening without ‘putting into the kitty’. Messrs Lounge Lizard, Adonis and Honest Bob find your recent allegations relating the ‘The Emporers New Clothes’ to be misleading and somewhat inflated, as opposed to the subject matter the clothes were covering. My clients require that you immediately stop all reference to the commercial activities of ‘Honest Bob’s Diving Emporium’, the ‘Karama Institute of Diving’ and ‘Toni & Spiro’s Back, Sack and Crack Wax Shack’ (the leading male personal hair care saloon in Satwa). Please confirm you adherence to this notice or expect dire consequences.

Asif Ibn Bangedup

Legal Counsel

Dear Mr Legal Eagle,

Ali stands by his observations and restates his case. Not only does the Backplate restate his case against Honest Bob’s Diving Emporium, he brings your humble attention to the fact that the proprietor of said elegant sartorial store was himself witnessed exposing his own beta test pair of ‘The Emporers New Speedos’ after returning from relieving himself on the DSDC dhow last weekend. I hear in a moment of alcohol induced glory the man with the large SMB showed off his new line of sausage containment clothing and yet again we were all subjected to the meat and veg of the DSDC chaps. AS he strutted his funky stuff and bellowed cries of ‘Who wants a ride on Bob’s Big Banger….?’ most of those lovely DSDC folks made way and allowed him to pass back to snoring heaven. Now Mr Bangedup, Ali advises you that should you continue this frivolous case that I will have no option other than to have your clients confess under the duress of the toilet seat for their heinous crimes. Enough said?

Ali Backplate

Let's hope that's an end to it.... Dive safely - your very own Ali Backplate

Thank you Mr Ali.

Another contributor to this weeks fun is the absent Manthorpes who have sent in a report from the diving mecca that is the Aral Sea. As you will observe from the photos I think they have overdone it on their attempts to find cost effective ways of going wrecking and with their warning that they will be back in July I reckon baldy will be having to sharpen up his wreck diving act before the eagle eye of MrsM is once again being aimed at him.

Quick update and a few photos....

Hi Jonny, 

After our recent trip to Truk Lagoon we thought we'd check out some other great diving destinations, so we dragged ourselves over to the Aral Sea in Kazakhstan which we'd heard has a fine selection of wrecks. 

Imagine our surprise then when we got there to find that the sea's gone and the locals have pinched all the brass!! 

wot no water?

no brass either

We're now searching for an up to date guidebook but in the meantime we've heard that you can see Jason's Argonaut in Georgia followed by Noah's ark on Mount Ararat. 

Back in July! 

Steve & Angela

The normal weekly trawl of facebook reveals a continuing concern on members habits and this week I can make it known that;

Strapon has pressed the wrong button and deleted everyone from his friends list. He got fed up playing that addictive Mafia wars and wanted out. He had about 3000 facebook friends but when he deleted all the MW people he was left with…….2.

Bumper moved to Eastbourne for a bit of diving and the necessary grab a granny disco dancing over easter weekend. Any one who has been to Eastbourne will know that while we have sand here they have gravel, lots of it (as well as lots of grannies). As well as consuming his expensive gas while staring at said gravel in six degree water news reaches me that he and his mates pinched the plates from the local chippy and are now trying to convince all that they have been raising genuine artefacts from the deep. Tut tut bumper – we may be 5000 clicks away but we are watching.

Im getting pictures from Russia. The Admiral is getting excited, the ice is finally melting down to only 4 foot thick and now he can take his chain saw to go diving. Not convinced on the use of the buddy line though – no rope in Russia then admiral? Luckily though they have petrol – and they need lots of it. Looking at that titchy compressor I think it takes a twenty hour run time to fill his tanks.

nearly ice free

surface support team

20 hour fills

Over recent weeks I was wondering why Nicolai was not coming to the beloved house and diving with us – now we know;

el nickolai

And finally, if you are diving this weekend and your buddy starts to squeak and yelp it probably means they are a hasher as well. DSDC hashers went up a big mountain last weekend in Oman and forgot that when the air is thin the sun is strong. Lots of pictures of the party goers freezing and shivering due the night time fun but following that sun burn all round was the order of the day – not nice.

So im off – first class to London please James, have a nice weekend and make sure you send me lots of gossip from this months dhow trip on Friday.

Yours watching.

Jonny